Eraser Free

If you’re a people watcher, there’s no finer time than the holiday. Every year I scratch my head in wonderment as to where many of these folks migrate to the remaining 361 weeks of the year.

Look ma, me and thousands of my closest friends out for a fun day of holiday shopping?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not much of a shopper throughout the year, but I can assure you I’m not holed up in my house 361 weeks a year just counting the days until I can join the throng of lemmings participating in the annual mall crawl.

I’m an equal opportunity disliker. I dislike the mall every week of the year, not just when it’s so damned crowded. But add all those people to the mix and I find it almost unbearable, even if it does make for good people watching.

And, while I’m not a profiler by profession, and I have no scientific background, I do believe there are at least four solid profiles of the holiday shopper.

Profile #1 – Tortured soul. He/she isn’t really there to buy much. She secretly loves the frenzy of the crowds and feels she’s missing out if she’s not in the thick of things. To her, there’s nothing worse than not being a part of it, whatever “it” is. Who knows when the gloves will be marked down another 40 percent so you can snatch up a lime green pair for Aunt Milly – the same Aunt Milly you haven’t seen for 10 years.

Profile #2  – Grab and go. Now, this is probably closer to who I am. She comes with a list. She hates crowds. She’s annoyed by parkers trolling the lot for the best parking spot, when the fact is finding a parking spot is the best you’re gonna get. She doesn’t dilly dally or get pulled off track, except for on the rare occasion. Focus, focus, focus – that’s the mantra. Get what you came for and get out. Now, that’s a person after my own heart!

Profile #3 – The Wanderer. She has no idea what she’s getting anyone for Christmas. She plans a full day at the mall because her experience is that it always takes a long time to get just the right gift for everyone on her list – and her list is usually pretty long. She likes to compare items and prices. It means nothing to shop from one end to the other, only to return and buy the first item she considered. It’s about being thoughtful and thorough. The crowd distraction does not get in her way. After all, she is the wanderer, and she’s a warrior.

Profile #4 – The Non-Shopper. I see them even in the off-season and I simply don’t get it. Why would you come to the mall to shop when you really have no intention of shopping? The non-shopper spends several hours pretending to shop, but  very little, if anything, is purchased. The non-shopper usually comes out several times during the holiday frenzy, pulled by the need to be where the shopping is. In the end, she actually buys very few Christmas gifts, but thoroughly enjoys her shopping experiences.

Profile #5 – The Frenzy and Frazzled. Too many kids, too little money and too little time. Sometimes the partner is in tow, but he too looks harried. The brow expresses stress; the mouth depicts frustration and sometimes anger. You envision the growing credit card bill in their name, as Tattoo Barbie and Barbie’s camper, join MindFlex, razor scooter, Crayola cutter and Zhu Zhu pet in the cart.

Ah, the joys of the holiday season. There’s good reason to spike our eggnog, don’t you think?